Mrs. Blandings: A Letter From Camp Blandings

We are sure you would want to know how things are going at camp, so I am writing on behalf of the brothers to fill you in. We hate to alarm you, but something needs to be done immediately. Our counselor is clearly unqualified and surly.

We know that camp food is traditionally sketchy, but what we have here is awful. Our counselor spends endless hours going on and on about what we refuse to eat, yet ignores our feedback on what would be more palatable. We've taken a straw poll and none of us feels the limitation of chicken fingers and french fries to once a week is reasonable. You should see her reaction when we remind her that potatoes are vegetables. We know they are; we googled it. Ice cream is a dairy and, no, we do not buy that frozen fruit bars are "the same thing."

In addition, for someone who is supposed to be responsible for our summer fun, she is filling our days with tedious tasks. Just yesterday, after we returned from swimming and golf, she came upstairs twice to see if we had picked our wet swimsuits up off the floor. Twice! When we tried to explain that we were tired from our busy morning and in the middle of Drake and Josh - an episode that we had not completely memorized - she went straight off the deep end. What harm can a little water do anyway? They were not "soaking" as she suggested, merely damp. When #2 suggested that she pick them up she replied, "I'm not a maid, I'm your mother." In response to his inquiry, "Well, isn't that what mothers are supposed to do?" the reaction wasn't pretty. We think hidden cameras are necessary.

Speaking of verbal abuse, she is constantly talking when we are trying to concentrate on something else. It would not be so much of a problem that she is continually interrupting us to ask us to pick things up and put things away, except she will only allow us to have "electronic time" for an hour a day. We have tried to explain that technology is the future and that if we have any chance to get ahead in this world, this is it. Her response? "Read a book." Sometimes, it's even worse. Sometimes she says, "Go outside." It's hot! Has she ever heard of heat stroke? Geez, we're just kids.

We don't think she should be permanently replaced as she does have a few strengths (Rosie likes her), but some coaching is in order. To help you out, we could suggest any of the lovely young women who have had temporary stints here so far. Pretty and patient, they seem unconcerned with the short or long-term affects of sugar or fried foods. They, too, enjoy the wonders of the internet and all the connection it provides.