DIY

Or, How to Lay an 8' x 11' Rug in a Room with a 250 lb. Desk by Yourself

The reconnoitered antelope rug for my office arrived on Friday. The finished rug is 8' x 11'; the pad is slightly smaller. It was late in the afternoon, just before carpool, when the rug was delivered and I thought, "I will have Mr. Blandings help me with that tonight." Then an unfortunate thing happened. Mr. Blandings took all three boys for hair cuts at five o'clock. "I think," I thought, "that I can get that rug in there myself. I do." It was not an easy task so I have provided the instructions below:

Begin with rug pad.

1. Drag rug pad into room. Realize as the 8' roll is about half way through the door that the angle precludes a straight shot.
2. Fold rug pad somewhat like a fortune cookie and continue through doorway.
3. Drag rug pad to edge of room and line up, as well as you can by eyeballing it, with wall.
4. Fetch tape measure.
5. After realizing that the left side is about a 1/4 of an inch closer to the wall than the right side, udge the right side forward.
6. After realizing the the right side is about 1/4 of an inch closer to the wall than the left side, udge the left side forward.
7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 a minimum of fourteen times until pad is straight.
8. Unroll pad until it hits the 250 lb. desk.

Now that the pad is partially in place, address the rug, which, while being only slightly larger than the pad, weighs three times as much.

1. Clasp your hands under the rug about two feet from the edge.
2. Pull.
3. Pull again.
4. Consider waiting until your spouse/partner/roommate comes home.
5. Envision the moment of triumph in showing your spouse/partner/roommate the success of your hard work when he/she arrives. Persevere.
6. Use a strategy of pull and rest combined with a 48-point turn to move the rug into the room.
7. Pray that when you pull the rug across the pad that the pad does not move.
8. Thank a higher power that your prayer was answered.
9. Maneuver rug to overlap pad by one inch on all sides. This, compared to squaring the rug pad, will be surprisingly easy, fortifying your initial feeling that this is a reasonable project to take on yourself.
10. Unroll rug until it hits rug pad which is resting against 250 lb. desk.
11. Have a moment of sanity and think, "I will wait for my spouse/partner/roommate as there is no way I can move that desk even an inch by myself."
12. Go to the kitchen and eat four crackers.
13. Return to the office and circle the desk. Put both hands just under the lip of the top and try to lift. Nothing will budge but a disk in your back.
14. Eat three more crackers.
15. Stand in the doorway of the office with arms crossed and head tilted to one side.
16. Realize that if you could lift the desk and tip it over the rug pad/rug, the rug pad/rug will allow the desk to tilt back without a lot of force, enabling you to lower the desk to the other side of the rug pad/rug at which point you can roll the rug the rest of the way out.
17. Smell victory.
18. Stand with hands under the drawer opening on the keyhole side of the desk and lift, tilting the 250 lb. desk back as envisioned. Lower it gently onto the floor until it is resting on its top.
19. Wonder if this entire task might be easier if you removed your boots with the three-inch heels; leave them on.
20. Roll the pad and carpet to the three bookcases where it should hit just the edge per your careful measurements.
21. Consider the two inches of carpet rolled up against the (completely full of design books which weigh four pounds each) bookcases.
22. Have a lucid moment when you realize that if you wait for your spouse/partner/roommate to come home he/she can easily help you lift each bookcase without having to unload the books.
23. Eat three more crackers.
24. Remove 157 books from bookshelves.
25. Roll rug flat.
26. Replace bookshelves.
27. Think, "It doesn't really matter that the bookcases are not level (as the front half is on the rug); no one will notice.
28. Eat four crackers.
29. Go to the basement to find shims; place under the back edge of three bookcases.
30. Re-shelve 157 books.
31. Realize that if you had put something under the desk when you lowered it, you would have been able to lift it back to standing at which point confetti would have fallen from the ceiling, bands would have played and you would have lived forever in the glory known by people like Lindbergh, Hilary and Clarkson. Instead, you stand in your three inch heels, your job 98% done, knowing you are not even an asterisk in the history books of do-it-yourself.
32. Admit defeat.
33. Finish sleeve of crackers.
34. Read the text from your spouse/partner/roommate, "Carry out?"
35. Text back, "Yes! Am starving - haven't had a bite," and open a bottle of wine while you wait for the calvary to arrive. Hell, even Hilary had Norgay.